Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
