I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
