someone threw a dead crab at me
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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