and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
