I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize