If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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