I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
