pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
