i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize