Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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