You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
