Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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