I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
