I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize