I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
