Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
