haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
