I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize