yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
that's an acceptable place to lick
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
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