I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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