well I can't set my house on fire every night
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
