I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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