before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
