I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Is it because I queefed?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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