No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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