i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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