so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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