she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Your face is a jimmy john
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
