the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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