What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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