We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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