So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
