so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
