Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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