my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
