I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize