mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
