Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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