New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
