The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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