dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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