3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
