I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
