I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
