When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
