I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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