ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
