11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
