This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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