btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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