Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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