I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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