I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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