You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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