On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my liver is dry heaving
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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