I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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